It's 3:28 in the ay-em. I'm working from home today, otherwise I'd be pissed that insomnia has struck again.

It's amazing the number of things I can do in the total darkness. For instance, just now I went potty (natch), found my clothes, turned both pants and shirt right-side out, dressed, took my huffer (asthma is SO 1997), found the exact book I wanted from the row of books on top of my dresser, un-plugged my laptop (currently 2:29 remaining of battery power and falling) (spot the rather vague reference), and came out into the living room. All without waking Calvin up. I'm pretty sure.

An insomniac's mad skillz.

Calvin painted my toenails yesterday while we were watching TV - a very pretty shade of red. I pestered him into it but he was very good natured about it. He did a much better job than I would have, I must say. Unhappy feelings have blown over and we managed to have a rather warm-fuzzy weekend. An occasional argument doesn't kill us, but I sure do hate 'em. We just aren't good at staying mad at each other, which is certainly a skill I don't wish to improve upon.

I am homesick in a totally retarded way. So much so that I called my Uncle Fred on Friday just because I knew he was at Grandma's (now his) house and I could at least talk to someone that was hoooooome. And I actually did feel better. He and I haven't always gotten along, but time and distance have improved upon our relationship. He's really quite a much mellower version of the man that used to intimidate the bejeezus out of me when I was little.

Wouldn't it be nice if we could expect everyone to get nicer as they get older. Including ourselves.

Okay. I'm going to go poke around the internet for a while.

Labels: insomnia

Posted by Laura at 3:28 AM | Permalink | Comments

It's nearly 4:00 in the morning. I'm up. It's raining; the fat drops are hitting the skylight like pennies. The thunder is still off in the distance quite a bit, but the wind is starting to pick up and soon, I'm sure, our house will be in the thick of it.

The quiet of the pre-dawn house and the muffled sounds of the storm could be serving to make me feel lonely, but instead I feel content. Happy, even. I love it when it rains. It's almost worth it to be awake for it at four in the morning. The cat, blinking at me through squinted eyes at the sudden appearance of light, might disagree with me.

I don't mind insomnia when it's a novel thing. Calvin and I went to bed at about 10:30 last night, so I got about five hours of sleep before I found myself awake, suddenly. Instead of tossing and turning and bothering him, I decided to (quietly!) grab my laptop and move into the living room with my pillow and a sheet. Oz, asleep on the couch, look rather affronted when I turned the light on. But the words rummaging around in my head must out, so light there must be.

Right now, I am happy. In a few hours Calvin will be up and we will be drinking coffee and reading the paper and conversing about what's going on in the world. I love being on this end of the weekend.

The rain is coming down hard, now.

Labels: insomnia, journal

Posted by Laura at 3:56 AM | Permalink | Comments

Fallout Boy is suiting my mood today.

I am so ready for summer to be over. I'm being forced to be inside in a worse way than snow ever did to me. Living for winter is totally throwing off my circadian rhythm. My inclination is to greet May with something close to ecstacy and October with something akin to dread. Right now I just wish to fast foward to, say, November 16th. That's a Friday. In November. When it will likely be in the 80's here. The 80's are acceptable when one is writing from 112. I would wish it even cooler, though... say the 50's that November represents in Maine.

Sigh.

I wish that when I shut the house down for the night (lights out, doors locked, TV off, etc.) it stayed that way. Instead I usually wake up (am awakened) several times in the night and discover Michael watching TV, talking on the phone, talking to other people in my house in the middle of the night, fixing food in the kitchen, going in and out of the back door a MILLION times a night because he's a dirty nasty smoker... at all hours. Today when Calvin's cell went off at 5:00 a.m. (GROWL), the TV in the living room was still on. The thing is, I can't sleep in a settled manner knowing that there are still people coming and going and stirring and MAKING NOISE all through the night. Will the front door still be locked, the garage door closed? Will someone accidentally let the cat out? Will I emerge from my bedroom at 2:00 in the morning in order to scold the noise-maker, only to discover three or four strangers along with said noise-maker? My home is not my own, and it's really frickin' getting to me.

I am doing purposeful things to adjust my state of mind. Today at lunch I walked the route through the campus buildings (see aforementioned note about having to stay inside, grumpety grump) and listened to my iPod. I just had to get away from my desk, because people (for some strange reason) are straight PISSING ME RIGHT OFF TODAY. The tedium of my job sometimes grips me in such an overwhelming manner that I am extremely close to giving in to the temptation to scream my head off, right here in the middle of the cubicle jungle. Or else I will kill that annoying cubicle neighbor of mine that talks at the top of his lungs all day every day and condescends to every person that he communicates with. Or maybe I'll send that nasty-gram BEFORE proof reading it, walking away, walking back, reading it again, saving it without sending it, walking away, walking back, editing it to remove all the references to "fucker" and "shithead" and "total complete asshat", and sending a final and much more professionally acceptable version.

Calvin is having, if anything, a much worse day (and week, actually), than I am. We have once again talked and dreamed of selling everything, leaving Arizona, and living off the land somewhere. Perhaps work for a convenience store. Grow our own food. Learn to like the taste of squirrel. Somewhere with fresh air and peaches. Something, anything, to end this rat race that we are currently enduring. We know we are blessed with great jobs that support our lovely home. But really, a double-wide out in the woods somewhere is starting to look MIGHTY appealing.

Technically, I own the land in Maine that my sister and her family currently reside upon. I could blaze a driveway and dig a well and set up shop right next door to them, and regale you all with tales of our mighty fine adventures. With the naked dancing around the bonfire with the beer and the chickens. Ay-yup.

Current "Fave" iPod playlist:

The (After) Life of the Party - Fallout Boy
Animal - Def Leppard
Black Sweat - Prince
Born to Run - Springstein
Dancing Queen - Abba
Shipping up to Boston - Dropkick Murphys
Everyday - Dave Matthews
Eyes - Rogue Wave
Girlfriend - Avril Lavigne
Glory Days - Springstein
Guitar - Prince
Hey There Delilah - Plain White T's
Hot in the City - Billy Idol
I Don't Wanna Be In Love - Good Charlotte
I Love a Rainy Night - Eddie Rabbit
I'm a Loser Baby - Beck
Makes Me Wonder - Maroon Five
Me Love - Sean Kingston (thanks to Marie for that one!)
Move Along - All American Rejects
Number One in Heaven - Nemesis
Oh, It's Love - Hellogoodbye
On the Dark Side - Eddie and the Cruisers
Read My Mind - The Killers
Scotty Doesn't Know - Lustra (Eurotrip Soundtrack)
Short Skirt/Long Jacket - Cake
So Alive - Love and Rockets
Steal My Sunshine - Len
The Story - Brandi Carlile
Sunday Mornings - Maroon Five
Thanks for the Memories - Fallout Boy
This Ain't a Scene, It's an Arms Race - Fallout Boy
Turn on Me - The Shins
The Way You Make Me Feel - Michael Jackson
Where Does the Good Go - Tegan and Sara (my new favorite song)
Word Up - Korn

Labels: headspace, home, insomnia, music, work

Posted by Laura at 1:04 PM | Permalink | Comments

Can't sleep. Normally, I don't mind insomnia, because I have plenty of things with which to occupy myself during the "wee sma's" (that's the wee small hours of the morning for those of you who didn't grow up in my Grandma's household). I mind tonight, though, because I have to get up in a timely manner tomorrow morning for work. I guess I really screwed up my sleep schedule while on vacation, but I can't "force" myself to go to sleep. I tossed for a good 45 minutes and annoyed the bejeezus out of Calvin, so now I'm back out on the couch.

I surfed the web. Read up on all of my regular journal reads. Futzed around some more with WordPress. Personalized my Google homepage. Looked for new songs to download. Changed out a load of laundry. Made myself a mug of spiced cider. Looks like I may have to "go run around the block", as my Grandmother used to instruct me to do in order to burn off excess energy.

How ambitious do I feel like being, tonight? I want to consolidate my blog archives onto a separate page instead of having all of the months listed down the sidebar. I also want to list my post label categories in the sidebar, which feature isn't automated for my particular template. After all, someday I might get a hankering to read all of my entries about "lizards" or "boredom".

Yeah, I'm not that ambitious tonight. I'll probably watch Buffy episodes on-line, or read another book.

Labels: insomnia, journal

Posted by Laura at 11:30 PM | Permalink | Comments