I can't call my truck a lemon. The strict definition of a lemon is a vehicle that has been serviced multiple times in a given timeframe for the same issue. My truck has been serviced multiple times for multiple issues.

I shall call it... a pineapple.

Off the top of my head, it has gone in for A/C issues, a weird squeaking sound coming from one of the vents, battery issues, molding separating from the door frames, stereo/speaker issues, and starting issues. To that, I must add...

POLTERGEISTS.

So late last week when I got into the truck to drive it, like I always do, it dinged at me, like it always does. Usually it's because I haven't buckled my seatbelt fast enough to satisfy it. But the belt was buckled. I looked at the dash, and the message said, "PASSENGER DOOR AJAR". So I got out, circled the truck, opened and FIRMLY shut each door, climbed back in, buckled up, and put it in reverse.

"DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING!!!!!" (There are always 8 dings.) "PASSENGER DOOR AJAR." So I got out again, circled the truck opening and shutting doors again, got back in, buckled up, hit reverse...

"DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING!!!!!"

So now I realize there's a sensor problem with one of the (NOT ajar) doors. Because the truck thinks one of the doors isn't closed, the auto locks don't work properly (they usually lock when the truck is put into drive, and unlock automatically when the truck is put into park).

Along with this issue is a stripped gear in one of the rear passenger windows, thereby leaving it stuck in the "down" position when utilized and necessitating manual levitation to "roll" it up again. So I figured I was going to take the truck back in (again) anyway, and would have this additional issue to add to the list.

So, that was last week. Fast forward to today, when Jen and I went to lunch at Red Robin. The truck did its ding-thing when we got in to drive off, but otherwise acted normally on the way to the restaurant. We had a nice lunch with an EXTREMELY attentive waitress who kept taking my half-drunk Coke away and replacing it with a full, new glass of Coke because she couldn't stand the thought of me drinking watered-down soda. Jen's tea got refilled four times. We finally had to leave before we floated away.

We got in the truck. It had its usual identity crisis when it identified its door as a jar. I ignored it, until about halfway back to work. "DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING!!!!" The truck decided to remind me that the door was ajar, having previously been satisfied to just tell me once, right when I got in the truck. Then, "Shh-click! Click. Shh-click. Click. Shudder shudder shudder shu shu shu shhh-click!" "DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING!!!!"

The doors started locking and unlocking themselves furiously. The dinger dinged over and over and OVER AND OVER. The message center lit up with the "PASSENGER DOOR IS AJAR" message, then disappeared, then re-appeared, then disappeared. As we were driving along, this chaos erupted that prompted Jen and I to completely lose our shit and crack up laughing.

"The truck! It's possessed!" Jen cried.

"Poltergeists!" I yelled back.

"Shh-click! (DING DING DING) Click. Shh-click. Click. (DING DING DING) Shudder shudder shudder shu shu shu shhh-click! DING DING DING DING DING DING DING DING!!!!"

By this time I could hardly see the road, I was laughing so hard. Jen was all, "Don't hit that truck!" I'm fairly sure we looked a sight driving along bawling laughing, weaving along on the road.

We're supposed to get our Christmas tree tonight. THAT should be fun.

Labels: friends, humor, journal, work

Posted by Laura at 1:25 PM | Permalink | Comments

moar funny pictures

Labels: humor

Posted by Laura at 8:48 AM | Permalink | Comments

moar funny pictures

Labels: humor

Posted by Laura at 12:43 PM | Permalink | Comments

It wasn't that long ago that Calvin and I discovered the "vanity cards" that appear at the end of Chuck Lorre Productions television shows (such as Two and a Half Men), for like a half a second. We've been pausing the TV and reading them, and now I've found the archive.

Ahh, the things that entertain us.

Labels: humor, TV

Posted by Laura at 9:32 PM | Permalink | Comments

Me (to Marie): "Ah, Marie, giving you a hard time is one of the few pleasures in life left to me."

Calvin: "You'd have a lot more pleasure if you'd just cooperate."

All three: "BWAAAA!"

Labels: home, humor

Posted by Laura at 6:46 PM | Permalink | Comments

Labels: best things, humor

Posted by Laura at 10:55 AM | Permalink | Comments

BOC needs more cowbell!

Joe and John are feelin' alright.

Labels: best things, humor, video

Posted by Laura at 5:16 PM | Permalink | Comments

Hey Calvin! Remember this???

Labels: best things, humor, video

Posted by Laura at 2:32 PM | Permalink | Comments

The theme song (cluck?) to Robot Chicken is stuck in my head.

Friday night Calvin and I went to the Tempe Improv to see Louis CK. We rode up on the motorcycle and suffered 105-degree heat after the sun went down (to which I am tempted to add "...for chrissakes"). I managed to spill an entire glass of ice water in my lap once we were seated, and I felt so much better I wasn't even mad at myself.

Going to see a comedy show is usually a sure bet for an entertaining night. Calvin and I have gone to the Improv a lot in our years together. In addition to Louis CK, we've seen Lewis Black, Christopher Titus (twice), Wayne Brady, Larry the Cable Guy, Mitch Hedberg (with Heather), Carlos Mencia (at the Dodge Theater), Ron White, Lisa Lampanelli, Robert Schimmel (twice), Harland Williams, and a bunch more that Calvin will probably remind me of once he reads this entry (did we see Jeff Foxworthy or Bill Engvall? I forget.) Calvin saw Eddie Murphy once, but that was before me. I wanted to see Eddie Izzard's upcoming show, but it's sold out. I saw Steven Wright once with my ex.

Anyway! We came home to some drama that we attempted to diffuse, and went to bed at around 2:30. I told you that detail so that I could ask you this: WHY does my body insist on waking up at 7:00 on a Saturday morning, regardless of how much sleep I have (or have not) gotten the night before? And WHY can I not convince said body to go back to sleep, after reasoning with it for a good fifteen minutes ("You got barely four hours of sleep. It's Saturday, you don't have to go to work. The bed is sooooo comfy...")? I just gave up and got up.

I did catch a nap later in the day, though. I love naps so much that I might just start getting up early on the weekends JUST to have an excuse to take a nap in the afternoon. (Hush, Calvin.)

Saturday evening we watched the first disc of the first season of Robot Chicken, courtesy of NetFlix. We laughed, we cried, (we didn't get some of 'em), it became a part of us. Seth Green is an evil genius. Some of the skits were SO WRONG. Which is precisely what appealed to us, of course. If there's any kind of sense of humor we have, it's a sick and twisted sense of humor.

(Case in point, I found this to be hysterical. I know! I'm sick.)

We also watched, like, three episodes of The Two Coreys (I watched under protest), and were then motivated to watch The Goonies and identify every familiar place we saw during our visit in Oregon.

Sunday Calvin and I got tickets to the Diamondbacks vs. Washington Nationals baseball game, eschewed the riding of the motorcycle in favor of the nicely air-conditioned truck (hello, heat advisory!), and found decent seats a stone (cup?) throw away from the beer.

The D-backs lost. Phooey.

Sunday evening we wisely took our other Netflix offering, "Shortbus", into the bedroom to watch. The film caught our interest after watching an Indi channel documentary on the history of film ratings (G, PG, etc...). Shortbus was described to be what the rating "X" was intended to be - adult content but not pornography (hello, search hits!). And I have to say, sensibilities aside, I really liked the movie. I couldn't describe it to save my life (well, not without blushing HARD), but I would recommend the film to OPEN MINDED people who aren't offended by a wholly sexual topic and sex scenes in which the parties are NOT pretending.

What an interesting weekend. Comedy, Robot Chicken, Coreys, 80's culture, a baseball game, and full frontal (sideal, backal, upsidedownal, rightsideupal) nudity.

Labels: humor, journal

Posted by Laura at 3:16 PM | Permalink | Comments

loloz! My take on the lolcats.

Labels: blogthings, humor, pets, photography

Posted by Laura at 1:40 PM | Permalink | Comments

This goes around the office every once in a while, but I read it and laugh over it every time it appears in my in-box.

--------------

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.... Enjoy!

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Labels: humor

Posted by Laura at 11:58 AM | Permalink | Comments