Operation :: Goddess

Detox: Interrupted

Prompted by a couple of, "Hey, what's going on?" messages from my dear friends, my readers, here's a quickie update.

Wednesday the 20th 3:00 pm - leaving work, enthusiasm, looking forward to camping on Friday, not looking forward to all the stuff I had to get done in preparation for camping. Plus, hey! It's my birthday! Woo!

Wednesday the 20th 6:00 pm - Calvin and I have finished dinner, headed back home to prep for camping. I get a decent amount of stuff done.

Wednesday the 20th 9:00 pm - I start feeling some discomfort coming from the area of my solar plexus. I deal for about an hour, then go to bed.

Wednesday the 20th 11:30 pm - I'm now crying. The pain is unbearable. I wake Calvin up so he can take me to the ER. We go. He pulls over so I can barf along the way. We continue on. I register into the ER. I'm given a bed in the ER after about 45 minutes.

Thursday the 21st 1:00 am - I am in AGONY. Bawling my head off. Blood has been taken. Nasty stuff has been drunk to see if it's just an upper G.I. integestion sort of thing. I barf that up, so nope, it isn't. I get wheeled away for an ultrasound of my midsection. Still in AGONY. Still bawling like a baby.

Thursday the 21st 1:30 am (time and details approximate as things get blurry) - An IV is attempted. And attempted again. Much rooting around is going on in my right arm. I'm hollering and kicking my legs. The tech finally listens to Calvin and starts the IV in my hand. The doctor comes in and tells us that my gallbladder has to be removed because it's full of stones and has been "compromised", and that I have pancreatitus.

Thursday the 21st 1:45 am - More crying. Until they give me some Morphine, which is good, good stuff. I'm given a hospital room. It's very nice - more like a hotel than a hospital. Calvin sleeps on the window seat in the room.

Thursday the 21st - daytime. A lady comes in and gives me a facial and massages my hands. Another lady comes in and asks if she can add me to her prayers. THEN I'm prepped for surgery. By 1:30 my gallbladder is gone.

The rest of the day is full of pain management (me) and marvelling at the effects of morphine on the brain (Calvin) as I babble complete nonsense. Night nurses were paged when I needed help getting to the bathroom (hello, helpless humiliation!), and they kept waking me up to take blood, check my blood pressure, and take my temperature.

That whole night was pretty surreal.

Calvin arrived at 10:00 the next morning, and by 11:30 I was checked out and headed home with some Vicodin.

So! Since then I've been splitting my time between the couch and the bed, having fantastically bizarre drug-induced dreams, and being waited on very lovingly by Calvin.

No camping for us. It's amazing what can happen in the course of 36 hours. At least we weren't in the middle of the woods when my gallbladder went south on me.

(I don't think the detox is what triggered this - it's something that has been building for quite some time, and since the doctor explained it, I've been having symptoms for quite a while.)

Posted by Laura at 10:23 PM | Permalink | Comments  

Detox: Day 12 and 13

I've finished the 7-day Oxy-Powder cleanse with very good results. I feel a ton better and have lost a couple of inches off my waist. I'm now switching to the every-other-day maintenance dose to keep things moving along. Now is the time I should start the 6-week Para-Buster cleanse, but I'm going to wait until we come back from camping.

I think I mentioned before that I was a little nervous about starting the parasite cleanse. I know I'm going to at least have a major squick out -- more likely I will cry like a baby. It will be completely unnerving (to say the least) to see creepy crawlies blinking back at me from the toilet bowl.

Well, this morning I am even more nervous. Because, on the colon cleanse alone, I've already seen a nematode (there's pictures at that link - warning to those who just don't want that much detail). And I've seen other things that look like mustard seeds, which I'm assuming are eggs or something.

S.Q.U.I.C.K.

While we're camping I'm going to start getting my level of physical fitness in order. There should be a lot of hiking - Calvin wants to get an up-close picture of an elk. And in the cool air up north (hi, it was 116 F yesterday!!!) I think I'll be more inclined to move.

I'm ordering one of these to improve my core, glutes and thighs. We watch so much dang TV at our house, if I hopped on this thing even HALF the time I'm usually watching something, I will be strong like bull.

Posted by Laura at 11:01 AM | Permalink | Comments  

Detox: Day 9, 10, and 11

My cleansing (and subsequent maintenance) dose of Oxy Powder seemed to be eight capsules. But things slowed down today. I don't know if I need more or not, and there's only tonight and tomorrow night before I start the every-other-day thing.

I'm not going to start the Para Buster until after we come back from camping. If there is one thing I don't want to deal with while going dookey outdoors, it's parasites.

Other than that, I feel really well. Still occasional headaches and fatigue, but I attribute that more to my damn back fucking with my sleep than with the detox.

Posted by Laura at 9:29 PM | Permalink | Comments  

Detox: Day 8

I feel good! (duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh)
I knew that I would! (duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh)
I feeeel good! (duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh)
I knew that I would, now. (duh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh)
So good! (uh uh)
So good! (uh uh)
Cuz I can poo! (duh nuh nuh nuh NUH!)

Oh come on. Like you didn't see that coming.

I'm happy. I feel well. Detox is working. But my relief is obviously effecting my brain, because I'm actually going to post this.

Posted by Laura at 11:54 AM | Permalink | Comments  

Detox: Day 7

Okay! Week one down, and not only am I still alive, I'm actually kicking!

The liver/gallbladder flush is done, and I should be getting those toxins and stones out. I'm not going to examine things too closely in search of rocks, I'm just going to assume that things are working as they are supposed to.

I'm making strides toward increasing my water intake, as that is highly important during this thing, and I wasn't very good at it for the first few days. My innards seem to be loosening up a lot, with a few successful bathroom sessions a day, and a lot of glurping and bubbling to keep me entertained. No discomfort to speak of.

I may be experiencing a bit of what GHC calls a "healing crisis". The "Ask the Doctor" forum on GHC's website describes this experience as a normal thing that some people feel while detoxing - it can't be all fun and games when getting rid of the body's poisons, I guess. The discomfort can range from headaches to nausea to a resurgence or worsening of the symptoms you are trying to resolve. Some people describe it as flu-like or cold-like, others get fatigue. So it's different for everyone.

I have mild fatigue today, and I've had a bit of a headache a couple of days. It's been a long time since I've had one of those, come to think of it. Other than that, everything seems to be positive so far.

Posted by Laura at 3:33 PM | Permalink | Comments  

Detox: Day 6

Hmm. Comments don't seem to be working right. I mean, the comments themselves are, but the count that can be seen at the bottom of the entries isn't accurate. Technology. Such a blessing.

Well, here's something I didn't know until last night. Olive oil, when taken properly by the teaspoon, is a quaint addition to a salad, a pasta dish, or marinade (that, I knew). Olive oil, when gulped from a measuring cup, is a) spicy and burns the back of the tongue and throat; and b) makes me just as heavey as the (ohgod) Epsom salts. I drank about 2/3 of the 3/4 of a cup (got that?) that I was supposed to, and could take no more. I even tried Marie's trick of holding my nose while consuming something vile, and it didn't work.

I went to bed and laid on my right side and drew my legs up to my stomach, as directed. I stayed that way for a half an hour, and things inside were going glurp and blurp in entertaining ways. I didn't sleep very well last night, but that's only because I wasn't tired - even though I went to bed after 1:00 a.m.

Something must be going right, because I have this newfound energy - or at last lack of fatigue - that hasn't been present for a while. Barring yesterday with the ohgodohgod, I haven't wanted to take a nap for a week. Which is a big deal, for me.

So! The weirdest part of the detox is over. From now on, I only have to take a handful of capsules. The seven-day Oxy-Powder flush starts today.

Posted by Laura at 10:32 AM | Permalink | Comments  

Detox: Day 5

Ugh.

I hope this is the worst day of this whole thing.

Ugh. Oh wait, I already said that.

I can barely even type this without doing that whole squicked out heavey thing. Those of you who know Calvin know what I'm talking about. How he can think himself into the dry heaves? Yeah.

Epsom salts. Oh God, Epsom salts. Oh God oh god ohgod ohgod ohgodohgodohgod.

So here are the instructions for the fifth and final day of the L&GF:

"On the fifth day, eat a healthy breakfast at 8 a.m. and lunch at 12 p.m. It is best to do this on a Saturday or Sunday."

8:00, check. Healthy breakfast of Kashi, banana, strawberries, and blueberries mixed with yogurt. 12:00, check. Semi-healthy lunch of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on wheat. Saturday, check.

"At 2 p.m., drink 2 tablespoons of Epsom Salts dissolved in warm, purified water (optional, but preferred – be near a bathroom when drinking the Epsom Salts as it will cause liquid stool (ew) within 20-30 minutes usually)."

2:00, check. Salts dissolved in water, check. First gulp...

ohgodohgodohgodohgod

You mean I have to drink the rest of it?

Another gulp. I almost, but not quite, threw up.

A third gulp. Tears from my eyes, but I refused to believe that I was actually crying. I dumped the rest out. Then went to lay down, and slept for two hours.

(no liquid, BTW)

"At 5 p.m., drink 1 tablespoon of Epsom Salts dissolved in warm water (again, optional, but preferred)."

Okay. Okay? Okay. It's okay. I only do one tablespoon this time. Last time was two. So I just dissolve it in as much water and it should taste half as bad, right?

Not so right. I came closer to throwing up, this time. But I didn't cry. I'm a wooooman... W - O - M - A - N.

I'm gritting my teeth as I type this.

"At 7 p.m., eat a dinner of heavy whipping cream and fresh berries – as much as desired. (For better flavor, combine the berries in a bowl with a teaspoon of natural sugar and let them sit overnight. Whip the cream in a large bowl just before serving. Mix the whipped cream and berries together to make a parfait.)"

This is the part I'm on next, right after I post this entry. The reward for almost making epsom salt water come out my nose, probably. I mixed strawberries, blueberries, and raspberries in a bowl. I'm actually looking forward to it.

"At bedtime, drink 3/4 cup of extra virgin olive oil. A small amount (1/4 cup) of freshly squeezed orange, grapefruit, or lemon juice may be added if desired. Immediately after drinking the oil, go to bed and lie on your right side with knees drawn up to your stomach for 30 minutes. You may feel nauseated during the night. This is due to the release of stored toxins from the gallbladder and liver. This is normal and a sign that the protocol is working. If you feel the need to vomit, do so, as this is a normal release of toxins."

Someone tell me again why the FUCK am I doing this to myself???

Posted by Laura at 6:52 PM | Permalink | Comments  

Detox: Day 4

Okay, so I'm starting to get a little tired of apple juice. But this is the last day for it, and I must say that having to take something four times a day, that does not alter in any way the taste of the juice it's mixed with, is a great alternative to other "cures" out there.

Here's something to be aware of. When you have to go tinkle? And you don't feel like you have to do doodie? And you sit down to tinkle? You will doodie too. Word to the wise. Oh, and if you, like me, never had the need to master the skill of the 'courtesy flush'... well. Ahem.

Also, it appears that I am suffering from malabsorption, which means that my digestive system isn't getting the full nutritional use of the food I eat. The sign of this is a film on the surface of the toilet water, like how water and oil separate.

Who knew? But by the end of this detox program, my digestive system will be absorbant again. Heh.

Tomorrow I do the epsom salt/olive oil/berries and whipped cream thing. Which still doesn't sound legit to me. But everything has happened the way GHC said it would thus far, so I remain optimistic.

Posted by Laura at 10:23 AM | Permalink | Comments  

Detox: Day 3

No comments from anyone so far. Which means that I've either driven everyone away, or stunned everyone into silence. Well, roll up your sleeves, my darling kumquats (or those kumquats who still remain). I've taken this on as a humanitarian project and you will be informed, even if it's against your will. Heh. I'm relying on the train-wreck factor to keep my readership alive.

I will try to keep the TMI assault to a minimum, so if you have any burning questions/hey-me-too's/ew-you're-gross's, feel free to e-mail me. But really, I think a lot of folks experience the same problems I have, it's just not exactly a comfortable topic of conversation. I was even embarrassed to talk to my doctor about it.

I haven't mentioned it, really, on any of my websites/blogs, but I've had a lifetime issue similar to what Heather of Dooce has described so ably and colorfully. I've tried everything - from diet to exercise to OTC remedies to doctors' intervention to prescription medication - to absolutely no avail. Which is why I'm actually excited about this detox program, and the results that I've seen so very early on. There is reason to celebrate the doodie when one is used to only going once every two weeks. Seriously. It's a problem. I'm tempted to write Heather and let her know that I think I've found something that will finally help her. I hope she'll believe me, after all the crackpot advice she's been given from "helpful" readers.

I've been sitting here trying to think of a delicate way to convey the information I wish to get across to you, my faithful (and icked out) readers. I can't - there is no delicacy in this. So I'm just going to plunge (hah!!) ahead, here. Oh dear God, I've sunk to potty humor. Hey, if you can't keep your sense of humor about the base side of life as a human... well, I guess you'll find comfort in the loving membership of the Howard Hughes Institute for the Hygenically Insane.

Day three of my adventure has seen me visiting the bathroom. A lot. With results appearing in liquid form. My strong advice is that, for the first couple of weeks of this program, you really shouldn't go on any roadtrips or lift anything heavy. Don't test my word on this one, just heed my wisdom.

There has been absolutely no discomfort - no cramps or bloating or any of those symptoms you would typically associate with "the trots", as my Grandmother used to call it... because you're always trotting to the bathroom. Yep, that's my Grandma. Always the comedian. I'm just feeling... lighter (well, duh). More... flexible? Something like that.

Now. Here's where it gets weird. And trust me, folks, Calvin is being subjected to WAY more than you guys are. So while you're regarding me with disgust, spare a sympathetic thought in Calvin's direction. The poor guy.

So this morning? Before work? I had to do my thing in the water closet. I was prompted to look (don't ask), which is something I NEVER do (note the italics, bold, and capitalization - all signs that I'm very serious). I'm more of a flush-and-bolt kind of a girl. But this morning, I looked.

And lo, there was gum. I will repeat that, my gentle snowflakes. Gum. As in, a piece that I swallowed, once. Except, I can't remember the last time I actually swallowed a piece of gum. So when "they" say that gum can't be digested? I guess "they" were right.

I'm waiting for the penny I swallowed when I was five to show up any time now.

Posted by Laura at 9:59 AM | Permalink | Comments  

Detox: Day 2

Boy howdy, is there a rumbly in my tumbly! Lots of noise going on in the stomach - like it's growling but I'm not hungry. It doesn't feel uncomfortable, just, well, kinda bubbly. Fortunately, the sound is restricted to my own ears, and there is no... accompanyment of the unpleasant kind.

Crap, it's going to be hard to be polite about this topic.

I woke up this morning feeling just a little bleh to the stomach - like I woke up with a nap hangover. It went away as soon as I ate breakfast, as did the small amount of bloating I felt. I performed the first movement of Mozart's Piano Concerto No. 21 in C (and I'll let y'all figure out what that's code for...), basso continuo. So. That was fun.

I'm halfway through my mandated one-quart dose of apple juice and 90 drops. That part isn't difficult at all - it tastes like, well, liquid apples. The tough part for me will be later this week (hmm... this Saturday, as it happens) when I get to drink dissolved Epsom salts and olive oil (not at the same time, not that it makes a difference). There's always the berries and whipped cream to look forward to.

What an odd combination for a detox. Hopefully their explanation is true:

"The Super Phos 30 helps remove calcium and lipids (fats) from the arteries, as well as, normalize cholesterol metabolism. The phosphoric acid working with the malic acid found in apple juice dissolves and softens the gallstones. The magnesium in the Epsom Salts relaxes the sphincter of the gallbladder and bile ducts, allowing for the easy passage of the softened, shrunken stones. Finally, the cream and oil cause a strong contraction of the gallbladder and liver, forcing out stored waste, bile, and stones, which easily pass into the small intestine. The Oxy-Powder will clean the intestinal tract of any blockages for easy removal of gallbladder and liver stones."

This is too. much. fun.

Working out tonight!

Posted by Laura at 1:45 PM | Permalink | Comments  

Detox: Day 1

I began the liver/gallbladder flush today (henceforth referred to as LGF, since liver/gallbladder flush takes too many calories to type over and over again). For the first four days it requires me to drink one quart of organic apple juice per day, mixed with ninety (not eighty-nine, not ninety-one) drops of Super Phos 30. Over four days I will drink one gallon. Each night I take six capsules of Oxy Powder, to...erm... allow the stones that are assumably present in my liver and gallbladder to "soften" and "pass".

(Yarg. They recommend that I preserve some samples of the stones for "analysis". Which means I have to dig them out of the toilet, CLEAN them (double yarg), put them in a zip-lock baggie, and keep them in the freezer until my doctor's appointment. I am SO NOT DOING THAT.)

Each bottle of Oxy Powder costs $39.95 (unless one buys in bulk, which this one does not). There are 120 capsules in each bottle. Four nights at six capsules is 24 capsules. Thereafter I take between 4 and 10 capsules per night as part of the initial stage of the cleanse, for the first week. Then a "maintenance dose" of the same number every other night, for, as they "recommend", life.

At that rate, a bottle should last me, oh, two weeks.

I smell a marketing scheme. Hey, gotta make money somehow, huh? Fish gotta swim, chick gotta poo.

Anyway, back to the LGF. I feel no noticeable difference, here at the end of day one. Except for minor surprise that organic, unsweetened apple juice tastes pretty damned good. More news tomorrow.

Posted by Laura at 8:15 PM | Permalink | Comments  

Down with the Moo

Contrary to my consumption as of late, I really enjoy eating healthy (healthily?). Eating in a healthy way. My favorite breakfast choice as of late is Kashi Go Lean Crunch, mixed with Mountain High organic yogurt and some sliced strawberries. I find the Crunch holds up the best against the yogurt, but the regular Go Lean is an adequate substitute. In this serving I get the good critters from the yogurt, antioxidants from the berries, and protein and fiber from the cereal. A nicely rounded meal.

If I could just get someone to do all the damn chopping for me, my favorite lunch would be a greek pita. I like making a "relish" of cucumbers, olives, celery, feta, red onion, sweet red pepper, garlic, some spices, and a splash of olive oil. Load up a pita with some hummus, dump the mixture on top, and voila. That's the good stuff, right there.

By the time dinner rolls around, I usually want to do nothing but snack. I'd like to say that means grabbing an apple or some raw veggies, but that would be lying. Lately it's meant an ice cream sandwich, some pretzels and cheese, or a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Ideally I enjoy eating lean meat and a veggie or green salad, but lately I just don't feel like being creative in the meal-making. When Calvin cooks, dishes are anything but healthy. Amazingly delicious, yes, but loaded with olive oil or a cream base, or cheese. And butter. And maybe some ranch.

So I'm taking things a meal at a time. During the work week it's easy to pack a healthy breakfast and lunch, and let dinner take care of itself. Weekends are pretty much a disaster, what with the beer and the munchies while holding the couch down, and the grabbing of fast food (or slower food) while out and about running errands.

Really, one just does the best one can.

My biggest problem is, as ever and always, working out. I just. don't. feel. like. it. I can't even really use tiredness as an excuse, because after work I still have a reasonable amount of energy left, especially if I grab a quick nap when I get home. Weekends I have no excuse not to go to the gym - none whatsoever. I just... don't go. I don't use the stuff we've got at home, either. It's like a mental block or something.

I'm going to pick up a balance board to use in my spare TV-watching time, to strengthen my core. I used one quite often during high school (I'm the gym class record holder at 87 straight minutes, and I only had to stop then because I couldn't get a pass to skip my next class) and remember it being really beneficial for my abs and glutes. I'll continue to attempt a regular workout schedule such as the one I mentioned in my last entry. Maintaining a positive attitude is one thing, maintaining positive actions is quite another.

I'd like to say that the time for making excuses is over. Realistically, though, I know I'll continue to make them. Oh well.

Posted by Laura at 9:39 AM | Permalink | Comments