Here's hoping nobody reads.
SiteMeter tells me I don't get a lot of traffic over here, which I hope is true. Because I'm probably going to write a bunch of useless weight-loss oriented drivel. I've noticed that the times I've felt like I was doing the best at my fitness goals were the times that I was journalling about it, so here goes. I believe I'm going to bore even myself.
This is all about being honest. And that doesn't mean sunshine, light, optimism, or cheer. This whole fitness business is pissing me off.
I hate tracking my food. I'm still using FitDay, off and on, and I hate it. I feel like it's useless. And yet, I feel like I should know how much I'm consuming so I can change bad habits. Except that all I do is observe that I have a bad habit, and go, "Huh. That's not good." No change. Just piling more guilt on myself about what I eat.
I have a mental block when it comes to food. For instance, we'll be planning on grabbing fast food at a certain place, and before we get there I'll figure out what would be the most healthy choice for me off of that menu. Then when we get to the counter to order, I totally ignore the healthy choice and go with something else. I'll eat it and beat back the voice that says, "You're going to feel guilty about this." And then? You guessed it. I feel guilty.
And then there's exercise. I'm too tired. Just too damned tired. I can't (huh - more WON'T) get up early and do it before work. Just the thought of telling myself, "You have to get up at 5:30 every morning and spend a half-hour on the elliptical machine before work," depresses the hell out of me. And I don't feel like working out AT ALL after work. I want to sit and relax. Exercising is BORING. I hate that, too. Miles paddled away on the elliptical machine. Thousands of pounds lifted on the weight machine. Magazines that I subscribed to on purpose that pontificate on the "latest moves" and "fat burning routines" and "cravings busters" and "optimal nutrition"... blah blah blah... HATE.
I want to lose about fifteen pounds and get toned up. That's all. That's enough. I hate that friends who are larger than me scoff at me when I mention that I'm trying (or want) to lose weight. As if I'm not *qualified* because I'm not in an unhealthy weight range for my height. I'm not overweight, so I'm not qualified to want to lose weight? It's not like I want to go below my healthy weight range - I'd just like to be in the lower 30%. When I was, I was the most comfortable inside my own skin. I want to get back there again, because I know that's a good place for me. I want to be in the best shape that I can be in, and feel proud about my body, and feel comfortable naked, dammit. Whether anyone thinks I "need" it or not, I think I need it. And I want it.
But not bad enough. Because I'm not getting off my ass and doing anything about it. I just eat what I want, feel bad about it, sit on my ass, and feel bad about that. I look at myself in the mirror and think, "Ew." Calvin tells me I'm pretty, and I scoff at him. I say, "No, I'm not," and I annoy myself AS I'M SAYING IT. And yet I continue the self-annoyance, by ASKING Calvin if he thinks I'm pretty, and not believing him when he says, "Yes." I'm such an asshole.
Today's mental block was that I had a bagel and cream cheese for breakfast instead of Egg Beaters or yogurt. Exercise won't happen because I'm working until 7:00, and I know for a fact that I'm not disciplined enough to work out when I'm just getting home that late.
"They" say that having a plan is the best way to achieve your fitness or nutrition goals. Carefully mapping out each meal, each workout session. I don't even want to think ahead or plan for what I'm going to eat and when I'm going to exercise, the next day or the next week or even the next HOUR.
This shit is just too damned hard. I want to live without having to think about it. Eat because I'm hungry, and choose foods because they taste good. Be physical because I'm doing something, not exercise for the sake of exercising. The thought that I have to think about this stuff all the time if I want to make any progress is just completely depressing.
Gah. I'm pissed off at this whole business.
SiteMeter tells me I don't get a lot of traffic over here, which I hope is true. Because I'm probably going to write a bunch of useless weight-loss oriented drivel. I've noticed that the times I've felt like I was doing the best at my fitness goals were the times that I was journalling about it, so here goes. I believe I'm going to bore even myself.
This is all about being honest. And that doesn't mean sunshine, light, optimism, or cheer. This whole fitness business is pissing me off.
I hate tracking my food. I'm still using FitDay, off and on, and I hate it. I feel like it's useless. And yet, I feel like I should know how much I'm consuming so I can change bad habits. Except that all I do is observe that I have a bad habit, and go, "Huh. That's not good." No change. Just piling more guilt on myself about what I eat.
I have a mental block when it comes to food. For instance, we'll be planning on grabbing fast food at a certain place, and before we get there I'll figure out what would be the most healthy choice for me off of that menu. Then when we get to the counter to order, I totally ignore the healthy choice and go with something else. I'll eat it and beat back the voice that says, "You're going to feel guilty about this." And then? You guessed it. I feel guilty.
And then there's exercise. I'm too tired. Just too damned tired. I can't (huh - more WON'T) get up early and do it before work. Just the thought of telling myself, "You have to get up at 5:30 every morning and spend a half-hour on the elliptical machine before work," depresses the hell out of me. And I don't feel like working out AT ALL after work. I want to sit and relax. Exercising is BORING. I hate that, too. Miles paddled away on the elliptical machine. Thousands of pounds lifted on the weight machine. Magazines that I subscribed to on purpose that pontificate on the "latest moves" and "fat burning routines" and "cravings busters" and "optimal nutrition"... blah blah blah... HATE.
I want to lose about fifteen pounds and get toned up. That's all. That's enough. I hate that friends who are larger than me scoff at me when I mention that I'm trying (or want) to lose weight. As if I'm not *qualified* because I'm not in an unhealthy weight range for my height. I'm not overweight, so I'm not qualified to want to lose weight? It's not like I want to go below my healthy weight range - I'd just like to be in the lower 30%. When I was, I was the most comfortable inside my own skin. I want to get back there again, because I know that's a good place for me. I want to be in the best shape that I can be in, and feel proud about my body, and feel comfortable naked, dammit. Whether anyone thinks I "need" it or not, I think I need it. And I want it.
But not bad enough. Because I'm not getting off my ass and doing anything about it. I just eat what I want, feel bad about it, sit on my ass, and feel bad about that. I look at myself in the mirror and think, "Ew." Calvin tells me I'm pretty, and I scoff at him. I say, "No, I'm not," and I annoy myself AS I'M SAYING IT. And yet I continue the self-annoyance, by ASKING Calvin if he thinks I'm pretty, and not believing him when he says, "Yes." I'm such an asshole.
Today's mental block was that I had a bagel and cream cheese for breakfast instead of Egg Beaters or yogurt. Exercise won't happen because I'm working until 7:00, and I know for a fact that I'm not disciplined enough to work out when I'm just getting home that late.
"They" say that having a plan is the best way to achieve your fitness or nutrition goals. Carefully mapping out each meal, each workout session. I don't even want to think ahead or plan for what I'm going to eat and when I'm going to exercise, the next day or the next week or even the next HOUR.
This shit is just too damned hard. I want to live without having to think about it. Eat because I'm hungry, and choose foods because they taste good. Be physical because I'm doing something, not exercise for the sake of exercising. The thought that I have to think about this stuff all the time if I want to make any progress is just completely depressing.
Gah. I'm pissed off at this whole business.
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