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If anybody needs a history lesson in X(m), you can check out this for how he almost got me beat up, and this for the main points of our sordid history.
I'm grateful I had the sense to leave his psycho ass.
School will be pointless today - handing in a final draft of a paper, and even the *teacher* doesn't know what we'll occupy the class time with.
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2003 - No entry
2002 - I become a Goddess.
2001 - Calvin's new motorcycle.
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April 7, 2004
I couldn't MAKE this stuff up.
I'm apparently back on X(m)'s radar again. Check out this little gem that was awaiting me in my e-mail this morning (spelling and grammar intact):
"What on earth make you think I would have or know where your mothers journal is. We have finally transported all the shit left in Maine to Phx and haven't run across anything of the kind. I find it very hard to believe that you would have left anything that important to you. I doubt very seriously that I will find it but someday in the future when I have the time or inclination I will be sorting through all that crap. Though you better hope that I don't find it cuz IF I decide to not burn it and I give it back at all it will cost you big time. There is a ton of your shit here, old notebooks, nick-nacks, books, horse shit ect.. Any of which you have any interest in will cost you. I guess the biggest one is your tack box. I am thinking it might make good kindling wood, so if you have interest in it better let me know."
Nice, huh? I don't know what he's talking about when he mentions my mother's journal, and I have NO idea what set him off to put me on his radar again. I read it over the phone to Calvin, and we had a good laugh. I then responded to the message with:
"Hello, X(m). Excellent to hear from you, as usual.
I'm not sure what you're referring to by my "mother's journal". To the best of my knowledge, she didn't keep one. I think I may have mentioned to (his sister) (or maybe it was (his brother-in-law), one of the times we've seen him at Calvin's mom's restaurant) that some of my own early journals may have been among the things we stored at your grandmother's.
I pretty much figured you'd set a match to that stuff ages ago, but since you haven't, I would be interested to see what's there. Depending upon this "cost" that you refer to, of course. If you meant it literally, well, I'm certainly not going to pay a ransom for my own belongings. If it just means a few minutes spent in your stellar company, I could probably deal with that. However, your tone indicates a more threatening definition of "cost", which you must know by now is not an avenue you'd be wise to pursue. Perhaps it would be better for me to make arrangements to retrieve my belongings with (sister) or (brother-in-law), as you still seem to be pretty emotional.
I look forward to your next fascinating e-mail. Please give my regards to (sister) and (brother-in-law), and your mom and dad.
Laura"
I forwarded the e-mail to Archibael (who has his own journal now! Appropriately (self)named Self-Rightous Arrogant Bastard), who is always fond of new X(m) stories. He's been following the whole sorded tale from the beginning - we've known each other since a couple of years before X(m) and I split up.
Anyway, he thought I should have responded in the following manner:
"Dear (derisive version of X(m)'s name),
I seem to recall you from my past, but I'm having a difficult time placing the name with a face. Did we perhaps meet in a bar in an unpleasant part of town, or share a disgusting story in a laundromat? Because while I can't remember you very well, the feeling I get when I contemplate your name is one of vague nausea and discomfort.
Anyway, I'll not be supporting your vagrant ass with anything resembling money. Though I am saddened you would attempt to try to get me to ransom my former possessions, I have a policy of not bargaining with the insane, so I guess they'll go up in flames. It's really too bad, but I shall get over it if you promise to throw yourself upon the pyre as well.
Toodles! Hope the psychiatrists are having luck with that thing,
Laura"
Cracked me up.
I went to school, I went to lunch, and when I returned, this was waiting for me (again, spelling and grammar and capitalization and all the other stuff intact):
"hmmm interesting lets see where to begin
First lets get one thing straight. They are no longer your belonging they are mine the divorce of which I had aboslutely no imput into whatsoever states so.
Second if you so much as mention that you and I are negotiating for the return of your stuff, If I hear so much as one peep from (sister) that you have contacted her in any way whatsoever,(She probably hates you even more than I do and never wishes to hear from you again) It will be gone immediately. This goes for any failure on your part to meet any of the conditions I am setting. REMEMBER These are my posesions now to dispose of as I see fit. ..
Third-
Cost, just to continue these negotiations I require a means of contacting (Calvin's ex) (editor's note: I know! Boggle!), preferably email this is non negotiable, if she doesn't want to hear from me she can tell me herself.
The other cost to actually retrieve or probably have delievered (cuz (sister) now lives in a new house out in a horse estate and I am sure they have absolutely no interest in having you know where that is). If you do know where it is or find out and show up the police will be called immidately. So don't even think it. So since your company is the last thing I could possibly want the cost will be determined by the market. ie how valuable to you I consider them as I find them.
(editors note: here, he quotes my message) "However, your tone indicates a more threatening definition of "cost", which you must know by now is not an avenue you'd be wise to pursue."
There is absolutely nothing threatening about it other than to your former belongings. If on the other hand this is your attempt at some sort of veiled threat don't bother. I have lived in Mexico with the worst sorts of crooked cops, drug dealers, pimps, prostitutes, extorsionist, hired killers(actually he was one of the nicest gentlest men I ever met, wierd) ect, that you could ever imagine. So since I am pretty sure that last sentence was written by HIM (editor's note: he means Calvin) then you can just let him know violent phscopaths no longer intimadate me and the only reason his is still alive is because I am sure he will tear your heart out and grind it up much worse than you did to mine after you have your inheritence. (editor's note: The drama!)
I am not being emotional at all. They have invented some wonderful new meds since you abandond me. I am always up and creative and am writing a novel about my adventures www.journalspace.com/seekingadventures (editor's note: Go see it! It's a 404 message! Woo!) if interested. I am completely cold and calulating. Remeber when we left Grammas you said you hoped you were never on my bad side. Well I guess you don't otherwise you wouldn't have done what you did. This is simply my 'pacifist' way of getting my long awaited revenge. A dish always served best cold.
So alot of info for you to absorb, a quick synopsis, the only thing required at this point for you posesions to remain intact is (Calvin's ex)'s email. Any further comments by yourself will not wecomed in any manner and might very well damage any small speck of goodwill toward you that I might be able to dredge up.
And finally I am holding all the cards this time, you had them last time and I folded but remember I said I would spend the rest of my days insuring that when you grew old you would be bitter and lonely. Then you married him and I laughed and laughed cuz I then knew my work was done, and could move on. Just remember the most important thing THIS ARE MY POSESIONS NOW AND i HAVE THE PAPER WORK TO PROVE IT. Any means you use other than legal to retrieve them will be met in kind.
Thank you for you time. Tell pene pico I won. Hope to hear from you soon."
Good heavens! I called Calvin up and stammered, "Oh my GOD!" He replied, "I take it dumbass responded?" I read it to him, unbelieving. I mean, the sheer AMOUNT of psychosis... holy crap. Then, I went to a meeting. THEN, I went for a massage (good timing that it was scheduled for today, huh?). Then, I went home, where Calvin and Marie were enjoying an animated conversation about X(m)'s e-mails (I'd forwarded them home). So, I sat down on the couch and authored the following reply. Ladies and Gentlemen, you've never seen me like this. Rest assured, it is not wise to get in a battle of words with ME.
"Gee, it's nice to know that there are some things in life that won't change - like your psychosis (you might want to ask your doc to up your meds). You obviously put a lot of thought into this message, and I know how much you like a good debate - which is why I'm sorry to even respond. But, it's providing Calvin with a great deal of amusement, as well as all of my friends to whom I am forwarding your e-mails to laugh over. That last one was killer. So, for love of them, I'm game for some more banter.
On the subject of The Divorce (or, as I like to refer to it, Liberation Day), dear boy, you had ample opportunity to respond. I provided the judge and lawyer with addresses for your parents and for (sister) and (brother-in-law), to which to forward all the paperwork - if the finalization of our split came as any kind of surprise to you, well, I did my part to keep you informed. Too bad, so sad. And yes, the exact verbiage of the decree states "Respondent/Husband is awarded, as his sole and separate property, all right, title, and interest in all of the personal property presently in his possession and/or control including but not limited to..." blah blah blah. Why yes, the document is right here handy - don't you have your copy framed and hanging on the wall, too? That the *intent* of that verbiage is that you take possession of the belongings that you went into, and acquired during, our marriage is neither here nor there - if you wish to count among "your" belongings some girl-oriented pre-adolescent fiction, a box of grooming brushes, and some notebooks which contain writing with heart-dotted "i"'s - the "market value" of which, I'm sure, is a pittance - have at it.
I've had the occasion to be in contact with both (sister) and (brother-in-law) several times over the years - they've certainly been nothing but pleasant to me at every turn. I think your fear at me contacting her stems from the concern that she'd agree with me (that you're an out and out loony), rather than worry that I'd be re-opening any wounds for her. I wish her all the best, though, and won't go pestering her at her home unless she invites me out.
As far as contacting (Calvin's ex) is concerned, rest assured, we'll be sharing all of this with her, and also sharing a good laugh. If you want to talk to her, you know where she lives, and you probably remember her phone number. Be nice to her fiancé, though. He's bigger than you.
Let's see, what else...
I find it highly amusing that you "name drop" your dealings with nefarious Mexican characters. Still trying to impress me? And you say you don't still care. Considering the fact that you flipped out and fell flopping on the floor just because HE (who isn't contributing to this e-mail, but is laughing when I read it back) called you (a pet-name that I used to call X(m)), those kinds of people would chew you up and spit you out. I'm sure the hired killer you claim to know was very "gentle" as he went Pulp Fiction on (up?) your ass.
I've had my inheritance (editor's note: some funds from my mother's estate that X(m) always made a big deal about for some reason - I was supposed to get it when I turned 30. I find X(m)'s timing interesting, since I turn 30 in July...) for quite some time - Uncle F didn't see fit to withhold it for the full term. We're enjoying it immensely, thanks for your concern. Terribly sorry to disappoint you, but my relationship with Calvin is even more fulfilling than I thought it would be. A fact I write about quite frequently, on my own website, which I've had for almost four years, now. That's a lot of writing. I've written about you, too (thousands of people get to read about your histrionics!) - feel free to Google me sometime. If you can find the website (it shouldn't be hard), enjoy the evidence of my wonderful life. Oh, and I get a 404 when I look up the URL you provided. Did you lie about having a website, or are you inept enough not to know your own URL?
I also thought I should give you this bit of advice - if you're trying to come across as "cold and calculating", try being less wordy. Real cold, calculating people tend to be the silent type.
The "cards" you hold sum up to a grand total of a bunch of miscellany that has no value except for a bit of childhood nostalgia. That same bunch miscellany is also the grand total of what you have "won". I passed the message on to Calvin (I'm assuming that it was he that you were trying to refer to in some language that you probably are pretending is Spanish) as you requested, to which he responded with, "Hah!".
I think that's everything. To summarize, have fun with your bonfire. Do the world a favor, and toss yourself on top of it, while you're at it."
Excessive? Maybe. Evil? Hopefully. A teeny, evil little part of me had fun with this. This is as far as I plan to allow the banter to continue, but I'll of course let you all know what his response is. And the drama continues!
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